Like a good DJ turning up the bass Alexis & Team  turned up the training intensity in week 3 ………….look I know what you’re saying, and I agree………it’s a bit of a stretch thinking of DJ Alexis, especially for those who have heard his “wife’s iPod”. Here is how the week went down:

By the Numbers:

• 800 – according to Ian, this is the number of readers of this blog on each site
• 790 – Number of times I have logged in to check the blog

Any chance those two numbers are related?

More by the Numbers:

• 0 number of replies from hot women (or any women for that matter)
• 0 number of replies from midgets

A picture is worth 1000 Words

The Urine Towel -In case I didn’t do it descriptive justice last week………here it is

 

F&*%!!!!!!! Why did I think it was a good idea to dry myself with that thing?

Questions from Readers:

Have you ever fought before? Robbie from Normanton Park

Thanks for the question Robbie. White Collar Boxing is designed for those without any formal amateur boxing experience; however I am an exception to this and have been involved in 4 (unsanctioned) bouts in the last 10yrs. My current record stands at 1W-2L-1D. A quick recap of the bouts:

• Oct 09 – Lost KO 1^st Rd when Cutho’s sister caught me with a roundhouse kick to the head on the sand at the old KM8 during a play fight
• Jun 08 – Lost KO 1^st Rd – Girlfriend of the time caught me with a right hook (and left me with a black eye) after a dispute over my lifestyle choices
• June 04 – Win Points – A lacklustre affair held in Perth that involved a confrontation with an angry Freemantle Dockers supporter complete with a blow up plastic anchor. I managed a brief swipe at the man in question that may have landed if was 2m closer to him, but the committee of 1 saw fit to give me the decision based on being the busier fighter
• Feb 09 – Draw – A famous and defining bout that is still talked about by all those in attendance and involved the following:
  • Microwave Popcorn
  • A Towel
  • Call of Duty video game
  • Kenno
  • Kenno’s girlfriend
  • 6 other people
  • A Saturday morning at The Fortress

Somehow this combustive cocktail exploded and without going into details it ended like this: 4 people separating Kenno and myself who are flailing at each other, one of us (me) with imaginary 3^rd degree popcorn burns on my shoulder, popcorn all over the floor, Kenno’s girlfriend on the couch with a horrified look on her face, the towel I was wearing on the floor, and one of us (me) nude. This really happened!

Surprisingly alcohol was involved in all of the above incidents

If as they say past performance is the best indicator of future performance I am in all sorts of trouble come April 10^th.

Text Message of the Week:

Mate I am sending some stuff over to your place, do you know your address off by heart? – Robbie from Normanton Park

This has nothing to do with anything I just found it funny………even more so that it came from one of my best mates and I have lived at the same place for 3 years

Training:

To avoid repetitive posts I will report by exception for this weeks training. Basically this is a nice way of saying I didn’t take very good notes and I can’t remember what happened e.g. Monday – “Harder than usual” – Not much you can do with that really.

Here is what I do remember: 

I don’t know who let the dogs out, but I do know where they are barking and I know they’re big. Training started this week with me suffering from PTLMS (Post Traumatic Leg Matrix Syndrome which is a precursor to OPS – Old Poof Syndrome). I sought advice from Kenno on how to overcome these syndromes and he suggested a Beer Matrix and if that didn’t work then maybe a “Harden the F%^k Up Matrix”.

Apparently Week 3 is when we have developed a strong enough fitness base for us to be pushed a little harder………..either that or Alexis was pissed off with the 90+kg comments last week and just decided to punish us.

Andy ran Wednesday’s training and it was a good solid session enjoyed by all which is a fantastic achievement considering we didn’t understand a word of what was going on. Basically it was 18 sweaty boxers playing charades for 90 minutes. The session involved all sorts of twisty bendy Highlander yoga type moves to get us started and followed the same themes of footwork, jab  / parry, 785,000 jabs and a circuit (if you think that sounds like a lot of jabs you’re right………it is…….and the culprit will be named later).

The key change to the circuit was Andy introducing us to the bastard son of Burpees – The Ring Jump (standing vertical jumps without rest onto the ring apron). This added a 5^th exercise to the previous staple of 4 (Push ups / Crunches / Squat Thrusts / Burpees) and this caused a great deal of confusion and discussion amongst the group………we couldn’t quite get our heads around the definition of reps / sets / loops and circuits to work out exactly how many of these things we were meant to do (5 exercises x 10 reps x 3 times = 1 circuit – complete 3 circuits total). It sounds simple enough when you write it down but it’s not that easy to guess when it’s acted out in charade form.

To the untrained eye 1 additional exercise might seem like its only a 20% increase in difficulty. However a closer inspection reveals the circuit finishes with 3 consecutive legs exercises (that’s 75% of a leg matrix for those counting at home) and let me tell you it was a lot more than 20% harder. Especially after Andy told me that hanging on to the ropes whilst doing it was cheating………..contentious people those Scots and to quote Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpsons “It won’t last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!” and possibly my quads!…………In all seriousness a Scot hasn’t done this much damage since William Wallace……..and this was before Murray got smashed by Federer in the Tennis so he should have been in a good mood.

We need to be conscious of taking the piss out of Andy considering he is the WCB matchmaker and I don’t want to upset him and find myself matched with120kg Big Bruce – who for those who don’t know him resembles a large, angry, hungry bear who can also fight………only meaner!

Excerpt from email during the week from Andy:

This is to confirm that training on Saturday will be at 8:00am. Seemingly you all agreed this with Alexis last Saturday. Thanks for that. 

This sounded meaningful until he rocked in at 10am………and I have absolutely no recollection of agreeing to 8am ahead of 8.30am.

My displeasure towards Saturday 8am trainings is well known, so I’m not going to harp on it or exaggerate as to how I bad felt. We kicked off the morning session with a 20min run out the back of Turf City which was rather displeasing………..So whilst I wouldn’t say I was actually in hell, I could definitely see it from where I was. We returned from the run to push through the Power Circuit (or as I like to think of it – trying to navigate the 9 circles of Hell………and for some unknown reason I spent a lot of time stuck in the 2^nd circle of hell – Lust).

All up a good week of training and you can see the group gaining fitness and confidence as April 10 approaches.

Training Winners & Losers:

Winners: Lip Readers & Non Verbal communication / People who are good at charades / Anyone still in bed at 8am on Saturday

Losers: The English Language / Andy Murray supporters / People who don’t enjoy hell / Those that didn’t bring running shoes and had to run in boxing boots / Me

Sharing Of Feelings:

We headed down to Bergs (137 Amoy St, #01-01 Far East Square) on Saturday night for our protein fix and the best burgers in town and found they were closing down for the evening just as we arrived. We calmly (well I was gesticulating wildly) explained that we had driven 30mins just to get there and would really appreciate it if they could cook us some BFB’s & Budgie Smugglers up. Kenno obviously seeing them pretty well after his well made 50 frozen margaritas last week continued his good form by putting away a BFB (Bergs size) which is pretty impressive considering it weighs about a kg and is approx. the same size as his massive head. The good people at Bergs, having the big heart that they do (and possibly being intimidated by the very agitated 30+ bald guy gesticulating wildly in the background) reopened there doors and served up the burgers and beers for us.

To our friends at Bergs – Thanks heaps and I will be down for my free burger on Saturday arvo.

By The Numbers:

People Intimidated – 0.5 (Possibly the Bergs cashier……..although to be fair she was a 17year old girl who weighsed about 40kgs………….but at least we have got of the mark)

Airing of Grievances:

A few weeks back after a late Thurs session at Turf city I got in a cab and realised I had left my work pants in the locker room complete with all my money and credit cards. When I tried to get back to the gym I found the security guy had rolled down the roller doors and I couldn’t get back in, thereby consigning me to scrounge my gym bag for coins to pay Uncle the Cabbie so I could get home.

Fast forward 2 weeks later and I am training late on a Thurs at Turf city, it’s around 10pm and I decide it’s a good idea to go outside and practice medicine ball throws / slams in the car park………this seemed like a good idea at the time especially after the medicine ball through the wall incident (pictured below).

This ended up being a mistake on 2 counts, firstly there are cars in the car park and these are easy to hit with a 10kg medicine ball thrown into the air. And secondly because the same security guy had rolled down the roller doors and apparently locked me out again……F%^K!!!!!!!. So here I am, wandering around a semi deserted car park in a pool of sweat, carrying 10kg medicine ball at 10pm looking for help to find my way back inside to get my phone / money / clothes……… In other words I am behaving in an agitated manner and gesticulating wildly and frightening late night shoppers, all the while trying to pretend I don’t know anything about the medicine ball shaped dent in the black Honda……….and believe me wild gesticulations are harder than they sound when you are carrying a 10kg medicine ball).

Eventually I find the security dude and he “happily” tells me that despite the doors being rolled down they are not locked. If he had a name tag and if had regained use of my left arm he would have been featured in the Naming of Names!

Ali once said “the fight is won or lost far away from witnesses – behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights”………….I’m not 100% sure that he was referring to skunking away from witnesses in the car park and back to the gym with medicine ball in hand at 10pm, but I like to think he was.  

Naming of Names:

Vanda members would have seen in the recent newsletter that Wan is one of Singapore’s top boxing prospects and a senior member of the Singapore national team and a great addition to Vanda.

Andy mentioned that Wan had been reading the blog and wanted to get his name in it. Well here you go mate………..it’s just not in the place you want it.

The groups had been broken into 2 and Wan was looking after our group. Wan took instructions from Andy and nodded……….we should have recognised that nod as it was the same one that anybody not born in Scotland gives Andy. It’s the ‘I don’t really understand what you just said to me, but I am too embarrassed to ask again so I will just agree’ nod. Anyway we started of with 30 seconds of stationary jabbing (as hard and fast as possible), followed by a switching with you partner who is holding the bag. This went on for 10 or so sets and it’s reasonable to say that the jabs were coming less hard and less fast although they now were accompanied by groans and the now familiar little girl cries (to be fair that may have been just me). At the end of what seemed like the 10^th set of 30 secs our group would look at Wan and ask “next set?” to which he would reply jab…….”next set?” – “Jab”…….”next set?” – “Jab” …….”next set?” – “Jab”…….”next set?” – “Jab”……….this without a word of a lie went on for 15minutes…….or thereabouts.

So in a nutshell there are only 3 logical explanations:

• Wan really loves the jab
• Wan is from a non English speaking background and the only English word he knows is “Jab”
• Wan is just like us and couldn’t  understand anything Andy was telling him and the only word he picked up was “jab”……………I’m pretty sure it’s this last one which is perfectly understandable but……….we are here to name names so the end result was:

 

Winners: People who love to see others in pain / Jab lovers

Losers: Our left arms

Named: Wan the New Guy

Things We’ve Learned:

• Advertising your use of a urine towel does not help you to attract hot women or midget friends
  • Applications are still open
• Jab is now a 4 letter word
• And Wan LOVES it!!!!!
• Movie director Oliver Stone was at Orchard Towers last Thursday night out front of a ladyboy bar
• I know because I saw him…….ummm………(cough, cough)…..ummm I mean……I ummm heard he was there
• The Scots are contentious people
• But you probably would be too if you had to eat haggis
• Alexis knows what a room full of men having sex sounds like
  • Don’t ask me how he knows this……….I just report what I hear
• You don’t need alcohol to have a good time at a night club
• Ok……..that last one was a lie
• If your kitchen sink is so disgusting you have to wash dishes in the shower because you want to avoid the stench……….. then your maid has been absent too long
  • Please don’t ask me how I know this
  • Bing the Maid………you were in the finals for the naming of names

Bring on Week 4!