Monday 11th January – Session 1
Looking forward to seeing Alexis and getting back into training tonight, I’ve been crap since I found out my rib was fractured on 28th August! I’ve done a little training in the last few weeks in the gym and at “bootcamp”, but that has mostly ended in head spins, nausea and an aching body the morning after.

Kicking myself now for not having started at least some cardio work beforehand, but sod it, that’s what this is all about. Having completed ~8 weeks last time, I know the improvements are quick and significant, so i’m looking forward to all the aches and pains!

I’ve watched Rocky 1 through 6 (and that shows commitment because 5 and 6 are pure crap) to tune into the right frame of mind. It still makes me want to vomit when he drinks a pint of eggs! I’ve also bought about four hundred tonnes of protein drinks, nitrox, creatine and all other kinds of shite which apparently turn you from a scrawny little gimp into a big bionic bollox of a man. I’ve also got some of those meal replacement drinks left over from last time, although I’ve never in my life had a meal that tastes of vanilla, so when they bring out the steak and chips shake, i’ll consider using that.

The trip to the Children’s Surgical Centre in Cambodia is booked for 24th – 28th January, so it wil be good to see Dr Jim and experience the awe inspiring work they do again. This is, after all, the reason why I am doing this in the first place, and if last time was anything to go by, that will be the only motivation I need to work as hard as I can!

Wednesday 13th January – Session 2
One of my new years resolutions, unbeknown to me, was to only get in crap cab drivers cabs. This year, so far, I think I have had an argument with every sodding cab driver I have had the misfortune to use. Tonight was no different…. fifteen fecking dollars to go the 4.3km from home to Vanda. Driver SHA0986E is a bollox.

Went for a 5k run this morning, which I thought may have been a mistake, but was OK for boxing training. Alexis is still being relatively kind to us new recruits…

Training started with the usual warm up and circuits, and then on to some shadow’y type boxing around a traffic cone (that I think Alexis stole from the force). That was good fun, and made me want to start sparring even more! Bizarre how you come to enjoy a controlled scrap in the ring – it’s the one thing I have missed.

Training overall was fun, but I do have concerns about the fact that any type of lunge or squat always seems to make my left arse cheek sore. It’s always been a source of confusion, because I thought my arse cheekage was quite well balanced, yet regardless of the amount of daft lunge/squat type exercises I do, I always end up with left cheek muscle pain. It was however, reassuring to find 24,700,000 Google matches to “left arse cheek muscle pain”, so clearly I’m not alone. As per usual, most of these twenty-four million articles were utter gobbledyshite, ranging from sciatica to the way I carry my wallet…. I didn’t actually find a single article questioning my lunge technique.

There’s only one thing for it… video analysis. “Snelly Balboa does lunges” – maybe i’ll put it on YouTube. Or maybe I should try and weigh my arse to see if I have a imbalance? Perhaps i’ll just get some calipers and work out my arse muscle to fat ratio….

Oh, and before I forget, burpees were created by the devil… I reckon that the CIA should use burpees as a method of interrogation and/or torture.

Thursday 14th January – Self Training
Yes, I’ve done bugger all this week and am still having a rest day…. Clearly Rocky had the benefit of being able to say “CUT” when he was knackered, whereas I have to keep going – or not, as the case may be.

I read somewhere once that rest is as important as exercise for getting fit. Well, I had 12 weeks rest and can categorically say that is utter balls! So let that be an end to that rubbish myth.

Anyway, “The Eye of the Tiger” is perhaps one of my all-time favourite tracks for training, be it running, weight-training or even as background music at one of my international chess tournaments. I am, however, thinking of running clinical trials to see if the word “tiger” actually adds to the spine-tingling brilliance of the song.

For my test, I shall fill 10 treadmills with individuals of different fitness ranges, and give half of them the good old original track “Eye of the Tiger”, and the other half “Eye of the Meerkat”. Having sung the latter in my head many times, I don’t think that replacing “tiger” with “meerkat” actually damages the song too much, but not knowing what noise a meerkat makes, may alter the mindset of people who systematically go “rooaarrrr” on “tiger”, as they won’t know what noise to make on “meerkat”.

I shall post an update if my application for funding from Survivor and/or the Olympic Committee comes through.

Friday 15th January – Self Training
Was awoken by some ridiculous bastard hollering at some other bollocks at 6.50am. I’m not sure what he said because he was speaking in idiot (which contrary to popular belief, I am not fluent in).

So, up and out for a 5k run… it started off badly when my blackberry rang with a work call as I was leaving my apartment, and then my ipod decided to die within the first half of “Welcome to the Jungle” (nothing like Axel Rose to clear the cobwebs!). I was then forced to swear at a cat that tried to wind me up by sodding around in front of me. I hate cats – pointless vermin. Three stray little feckers have moved in at the bottom of the steps outside my apartment block! If I was Rocky, I’d use my big horse dog to scare them off!

Had a good run, with sprint intervals. However, my sprints are crap and the equivalent of a normal athlete jogging…. nevertheless, they were my sprints and they still fecking hurt. Did some stretching afterwards, although I’m about as bendy as a stick.

Got home and forced more oatmeal down my neck…. eating goo is sometimes a challenge, but the strawberry yoghurt and handful of blueberries takes the wallpapery texture and taste away a little.

Saturday 16th January – Session 3
Early start this morning, and I struggled getting out of bed! Had one of those daft Vanilla flavoured Pro MR shake (Meal replacement) which was like reverse vomiting! I can’t do food/shakes this early, but I knew I needed some sort of fuel…. Nevertheless, the nitrox and creatine stuff I threw on top of it kept it down. I really must work out what all this crap i’m taking is supposed to do. I don’t read instructions because it’s not a man thing, so I hope it doesn’t shrink anything I might need one day!

Had a great workout with Andy and Michelle with them putting us through our paces with circuits of pushups, crunches, squat thrusts and bastard burpees, then onto some bag work and shadow boxing, and of course, a bit of skipping. I recall from last time how comical it is watching guys that haven’t skipped before trying to get the hang of it; I was, after all, one of those eejits last July. The act of spinning a rope over your head, and then trying to jump over it clearly isn’t something men were born to do! My favourite technique to watch is the jump-18foot-in-the-air technique.. Brilliant. Anyway, I can’t really laugh cos i’m shite myself. Well, I say i’m shite – it’s actually the skipping rope that always messes it up.

Today was quite enlightening, as a few of the originally quiet guys in the squad were suddenly inflicted with a magnificent dose of tourettes! I got a fit of internal giggles when my punchbag partner managed to call the heavy, lifeless bag a “horrible c*nt” and a “big b@stard” whilst occasionally saying “Take That”. I originally wasn’t sure of this new method of naming 90s pop groups for motivation, but I might try it next time to see if it spurs me on. Take That, however, are quite a non-offensive bunch who have made a foot-tapping tune or two, so I might have a crack at Spandau Ballet or The Backstreet Boys, although the latter might be bit tough to squeeze in.

After the session, the water cooler became the hangout for more tourettes action which was quite good fun to listen to. I’ve never heard skipping called such names before! Maybe it’s something about newby boxers that makes them think they need to get the weeks quota of expletives off their chest.

I don’t really give a toss what causes all the entertaining sweariness – maybe it’s male bravado, maybe it’s because it just feels good! Whatever it is, it makes me chuckle, so more of it please!

Anyway, i’m off to drink more feckin sugary shite now to bloody stop me buggery arms aching tomorrow feckin morning.