I’m writing this straight after a group sparring session…….currently I am sitting on the couch typing with one finger and giggling at Glee on TV, whilst constantly flicking over to the WWE Wrestling where Jerry Springer and a dwarf are arguing over who impregnated one of the female wrestlers………..in summary there is a 99% chance I am concussed.

Quote of the Week:

“Look we really do hope you win because you have worked really hard……..but gee, we would get a lot more mileage out of this if you get beaten” – The Clearance King

 

Question From Readers

Do you know who you are going to fight yet? – And I get this from everybody, everyday

Below is what I wrote in week 2 and saved as a draft

The questions I get asked most when people find out I am in training for the WCB is “do you know who you are going to fight yet?” I honestly expected to be thinking about this more than I am (truth be told I spend far more time thinking about potential fight nicknames and entrance music)………. In real life I am a constant worrier and a massive over-thinker / over analyser……….i really expected this to be on my mind kinda constantly. So far (and we are only 1 week into this thing so let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves here) I am concentrating on trying to enjoy the experience and enjoy the 12 week journey (Lakers Coach Phil Jackson would be proud…….The journey is it’s own reward), just getting as fit and prepared as I can be and treating this like my only / last fight (this is not too much of a stretch as I’m not sure there is much of a career for a 30++ year old guy who has never fought before and never even laced on a glove until last year). Focusing on the journey is easier when there are maybe 7 other guys roughly in my weight range so I couldn’t work out who I am going to fight even if I tried. Although it will no doubt add to my neurotic breakdowns as I obsess about my potential opponent around week 10 when Phil Jackson’s Zen philosophy will be well and truly out the window and I am popping valium’s like Pez.

Fast forward to today………Week 10???? That now seems very aspirational. I think it’s fair to say we entered the “Lloyd Braun – Serenity Now” Stage around Week 5 and it’s continuing full steam ahead. I now have 7 different Pez dispensers including a cool Yoda one, plus a nasty valium addiction………but on the plus side I’m brown (well I will be in a few days after rubbing aloe vera all over myself) and can see my abs………that’s a fair trade for your sanity right?

What’s been the cause you ask?

Let’s get right to the Naming of Names:

Thomas L Greer – AKA Tommy Gun

Everyone who talks to me seems to think Thomas and I face a date with destiny on April 10th. This is pretty hard to get my head around for a few reasons. Firstly, we started training together last year, have spent a lot of time together and even share a cab to training together (plus I keep quiet on his juicing). In summary we are mates and the idea of fighting your mate is tough………especially if he hasn’t burned you with popcorn. The other issue is Thomas’ “alleged” alter ego……….Tommy Gunn – Porn Star. Now I have nothing against porn stars, I spend a good portion of my waking hours watching and admiring their work………its just a little disconcerting to be potentially fighting one………especially one who probably is on the juice (but you didn’t hear that from me). Snelly Balboa was the first to raise the possibility that Thomas was in fact a famous porn star. Just between us, I have watched a lot of porn and at one stage during my 2.5 year “Home Consulting” gig I was watching porn at a faster rate than they were making it. The “Porn Shortfall Crisis” as it became known was a “contributing” factor to me going back to work at a real office job. Now to be fair I’m not watching all of these movies, but rather a series of 15 second snippets, but on the basis of mathematical probability if Thomas was a famous porn star then there is a 99.7% chance I would have run across him.

Porn star or not, Thomas is keeping me awake at night………and I know Big Brucey will love that line as he likes to think of us as a gay couple (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

 

The Catch up:

 

This entry actually started out as week 4, then week 4 slipped by, then it was going to be the Chinese New Year addition and that got away from me, so lets just call it the catch up edition (or alternatively The I have run out of creative ideas edition)………and instead of focusing on training, we will delve into all the hoopla and professional production values that make Vanda’s White Collar Boxing events the spectacular successes that they are:

• Professional Camera Crews
• Interviews
• Topless Fight Promo Photo’s
• Fight Nicknames
• Entrance Theme Songs

 

Filming & Interviews:

We have had a big few weeks at training, sparring has started and we have done some video work, interviews and topless photos (before I got the burn / tan……doh!). Having done some previous commercial TV work I expected my experience to help me fly through the interviews and the photo shoots…………unfortunately my interview looked and sounded similar to when I was16 and fumbling around with a bra for the first time………nervous, overexcited and it was over very quickly and for the other party it was extremely disappointing.

Actually looking back at my previous commercial experience, it consisted of a starring role in a commercial that was shot during lunch hour at Raffles Place that had me wandering around in an ill fitting suit and trying to look serene whilst performing yoga poses. Considering I had been away the previous weekend playing footy and celebrating a Wombats Asian Champs victory I arrived to the shoot with approx 2 hours sleep, injured from the weekend and in what some would call a “tired and emotional state”. Things went from bad to worse when the fitted suit didn’t fit and due to a combination of my “tired and emotional” state, injuries and very limited flexibility, I was unable to perform any of the required yoga moves. So basically the shoot took 4 times as long as budgeted and they got none of the shots they needed, although I do remember the director yelling “maybe if we get him some looser pants he will be able to get his leg up”. Somehow this actually appeared on commercial TV and somehow the cheque I received even cashed. For some reason, and I’m not sure why I never heard back from that talent agency.

Using the logic that past performance is the best predictor of future performance I am not really sure why I was confident in the first place…….or why I feel confident with bra’s……..let’s just stop talking now and god help me next week when I have to do some 1 on 1 vision.

Questions from Readers:

Is it wrong to tan up before the Weigh In event at Harrys at Dempsey Hill on March 30th? –  Clint from Vanda Boxing

Good question! In our house (currently inhabited by 4 single guys……think Entourage with me as Johnny Drama only with more clothes on the floor) this topic would fit under the umbrella heading of “Vaining Up”. Vaining Up covers all areas from tanning, body waxing, veeting, nairing, eyebrow plucking and abs and guns (please note in Kenno’s case it excludes all of the above except guns). Now to the untrained eye this may not look important in the White Collar Boxing arena, but as Wombat legend The Great White used to say “If you cant be good, then look good son” (note that he would call anybody son regardless of age but that’s not important right now). Considering you wear long shorts, singlet and head gear, how important can vaining up be you ask…………well there are those massive topless fight posters like these:

…..plus the weigh in event with thousands of topless photos floating around Facebook:

So in a nutshell, yes, its very important……….especially when you are scouring the place for midgets and hot women………….I’ll take all the help I can get thank you very much. In other news there are still seats available in my cheering section for hot women and midgets.

Having not really had my shirt off in public for 20 years I enlisted a “browning consultant”, if you are looking for him on fight night he is the orange colored gentleman in my cheering section. Now as most professionals who deal with consultants on a daily basis come to learn, these consultant interactions usually end up as an unsatisfactory experience (some might even say displeasing). The best piece of advice I received was “play with your penis in the tanning bed so it tans evenly”………Really???? So it’s no surprise that I am writing this with nasty sunburn and let’s just not discuss it any more.

Choice of entrance music:

I wanted a song that I would still be happy with in 10 years when I put the DVD on to show people (that’s assuming that I manage a win…….if I lose I will be making a concerted effort to ensure no footage from the event ever sees the cold hard light of day………You think Tiger Woods carefully manages his image……look out!!!!). I wanted a song from a band I liked, that had some kind of lyrical link to the event and spent roughly 400 hours trying to find something I was happy with. The list got narrowed down to 2 finalists “So you want to be a champion” – Grinspoon (Kenno’s suggestion) and “The Pretender” – Foo Fighters. Well I got sidetracked doing nothing over the new year long weekend and before you knew I was getting angry emails from Andy (who’s English is much easier to understand when it is in its written form) on why I hadn’t filled in my profile (which includes the entrance song).

In a bit of a panic I played them quickly for Sue (co-worker who sits beside me). She advised that she thought the line “so you want to be a champion” was pretentious and voted for The Pretender by Foo Fighters, which I duly filled in on my profile. Later that night at home, housemate Kenno asked what song I had plumped for. He was told confidently that The Pretender was chosen and Grinspoon was eliminated because the lyric was a bit too pretentious……….to which he replied “how is that worse than calling everyone pretenders like in the Foo Fighter song”……ummm…..……look nowhere did it say you had to be smart to be a boxer.

Choice of Fight Nickname

This was a no brainer as I went with Splash (technically The Splash, but if there was ever an environment to refer to yourself in the third person then boxing is it. How did The Splash come about? Well, I’m glad you asked

It was a Wombat Masters tour to Bali and I was very new to the club, some pre tour email correspondence had been whipping around the week prior about what this Clint Pemberton character should be called. I had suggested my Aussie nickname of Pembo, but that was surreptitiously shot down. A few other names (Crackers & C&^t) where floated but sage advice from Wombat veteran Willo, advised that nicknames were earned not given. Long story short, actually that’s I lie I am going to indulge myself here, not so far as to mention Kardinia Park or the empty feeling a draw leaves, but self indulgent nonetheless. It’s Friday night and the boys have indulged in more than a few beers in the airport lounge and on the plane, then a few more at the beautiful Villas we are staying at. We came to the formal part of the evening the Jumper Presentation, which is where the coach says some nice things about you and presents you with your jumper for the year. It came to my turn and Coach Loutopia was mentioning that he hoped I could do something over the course of the weekend to get a nickname and called me up to collect my jumper. I was a fair way back from the makeshift stage area of the villas and somewhat “tired and emotional” and as I walked up to get my jumper I came to a large fish pond and that had some lily pads floating on it. Now for some reason I thought these lily pads where stepping stones (hey, we have already covered that I’m not very smart) and tried to walk across them. “Splash” as I disappeared into the 4ft deep fish pond as everyone was watching me walk up to accept the jumper. The boys all thought this was hilarious and Splash was born. I never thought it would stick but even know on some group emails I get the “who is Clint Pemberton?” 

Airing of Grievances:

 

We couldn’t go without an airing.

• Wednesday night training conflicts with American Idol viewing…………and I’m dead serious
• The email said videotaping and interviews…….NOT topless photos

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  • Can I get copies of these before they go out?
  • Does anyone know how to photoshop a six pack?
  • Or photoshop a tan?

• The production throughput rate of the porn industry
• Getting punched in the face
• Lack of Chicken Tikka options at Havelock Rd gym

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  • Oh Curry Garden at Turf City – I miss you

• Sunburned genitalia

• Running out of pre written blog material
• Getting up at 6.30am on Saturday morning for training and your housemates are just arriving home
• Ally Loney mistaping sparring videos (although to be fair he did cop an accidental kick in the head so this is probably a wash)
• Bergs March Burger of the month (more on this to come)
• Potential cross pollination of Work tables and Wombat tables at the April 10^th event – They’re killing independent George

• Lack of steroid / HGH testing in White Collar Boxing (I’m just saying……..)

      Thomas in Jan 2010                                      Thomas Today

 

 

 

 

Things We’ve Learned:

• You know you are getting too vain when you walk out of my housemate’s empty room with no top on late one night (I don’t have a mirror in my room) and your other housemate wanders by and asks what you are doing. When I replied “checking myself out in the mirror” he just shrugged and nodded, seen it all before………..maybe time to back off a little (or get my own mirror)
• Don’t commit to a 12 week blog when you only have 4 weeks worth of material

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Today was my first proper sparring day, and I felt really good when I arrived at the gym… Today was also one of the happiest days of my life, as I was finally allowed to start telling people that my lovely wife is 14 weeks pregnant!!!! Woohooooooooo……. Congratulations US!!!!!

Andy was running the session, and we started off with a few rounds of shadow boxing to warm up.

After that, the “smaller” group, which consisted of Simon, Steve, Paul H, Sparky, Clint, Thomas and me (apologies if i’ve forgotten someone) got our headgear and gloves on for some sparring. The format is that everyone spars for two minutes, but after one minute you change opponent. This gives everyone a good run, and means it’s pretty much non-stop, which is good when there are so many people.

Sparring started with me versus Simon, and I instantly realised that I am clearly a lot faster, stronger and more confident when hitting an idle bag as opposed to another person! My guard went down too much, and I didn’t get many good shots in. I seemed slower both on my feet and with my overall performance, and Simon got a good few shots in… All I can say is that i’m thankful we were only boxing at 50%!!

After one minute, I was replaced with Sparky, who was also sparring for the first time due to a bad back injury he got playing beach cricket, or some other silly carry on. Sparky also said he felt slow, but I realised after talking to the guys afterwards, that our own perception is always a lot worse than reality, as we only really remember the punches we get hit with, and you don’t really see or remember the ones you land!

Next up was Paul versus Sparky, and they had a good one minute. After that Sparky was out, and it was Clint versus Paul. Clint is scarily quick, but Paul handled him pretty well. Thomas replaced Paul, and Clint versus Thomas was a great minute to watch, as they are both very quick and very evenly matched. Steve replaced Clint, and it was Steve versus Thomas for a fairly evenly matched minute. To complete the circuit, I replaced Thomas and went up against Steve for a minute, where he proceeded to unleash hell upon me. Then the whole thing started all over again, and we each completed three lots of two minutes.

So – the order was Me, Simon, Sparky, Paul, Clint, Thomas, Steve, and then back again, with me sparring with Steve, staying in and sparring with Simon again.

The big lads were up next, whilst we did some bag work. Bruce, Mirza, Matt, Darryl, Mark, the other Mark, Alistair and Jake (I’m bound to have forgotten someone, so apologies) but I didn’t get to watch too much of their sparring… What I did see was good to watch. Bruce and Jake provided the best sparring I think, and Bruce against Alistair was the most amusing, as Alistair fights like Scooby Doo and laughs every time Bruce hits him…. he’s either been hit in the back of the head with a skipping rope too often, or Bruce is going too easy on him!

Overall, Andy did a good job in matching us, as everyone was pretty even. I did feel a little disheartened at the end, having taken a number of good shots to the head and (more painfully!!) nose, but after chatting with Simon and Steve, they made me realise that I was being too hard on myself, and that I did land some good shots after all.

I have a lot of work left to do, but luckily have a lot of time left to do it in. I know i’m not completely crap, but I do know that I need more sparring experience to pyschologically remove the barrier of being fast versus people as opposed to only being fast when hitting a defenseless bag!

I have a nice black eye to remind me to keep my guard up, and as they say, some of the best lessons you learn are painful…. Hopefully these bruises will remind me what I did wrong, and i’ll improve with each session up to the big night itself..

I went home with a bruised head and a bruised ego, but still very happy knowing that i’m going to be a daddy

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Yes, it has again been some time since my last blog, but between Chinese New Year and a dose of man flu afterwards, I have had nothing really to report…

I was all geared up for a good session on Saturday, as I hadn’t trained for three days… Unfortunately, it was filming day, so we all had a training session on how to be famous… Topless pictures, interview videos and running when Alexis shouted “NOW” so the Vanda chaps had videos to show how hard our training sessions are.

We started off with an orderly queue being formed at the bottom of a huge staircase by a HDB apartment block – a spot that in the UK would be populated with spotty teenagers drinking cider. Admittedly, we did look like a bunch of idiots, but at least we were famous idiots in some weird shape or form. We had to run up the stairs, two at a time (people, not steps) and the video had to be done on widescreen to get Bruce’s head in the frame. I had my springy trainers on again, so bounced most of the way…. Jim and Bruce had a race, and it was similar to the Hare and the Tortoise, except that it was just two tortoises, neither with any hair.

This is Bruce relaxing after his training.

We did this stair run three times as the cameraman kept ballsing it up, so it did end up being a good workout really – plus I love running up stairs for some bizarre reason.

Next we went to a hill that we had to run up twice for the camera. Bruce also balls’d this up because he ran faster than the group rather than staying in a lovely orderly formation. This is clearly never going to happen in real-life, as shifting that oversized frame anywhere fast requires a crane or an aeroplane.

Then we went down onto Zion Road, where we collectively ran along the road pretending we were training hard. Unfortunately, as we all started to run following Alexis’ “NOW” an old lady was walking towards us and we accidentally scared the bejesus out of the poor old love…. So, we had to do that again as well – this time without trying to scare the poor old’un.

We went back to the gym after this for photos and video interviews, and a few of us splintered off to hit the heavy bag, and do a bit of light sparring.

Thomas and I did a bit of light sparring, and he was a bit rubbish, so I won every round. He asked me to go gentle on him, as he didn’t want his face getting damaged. Thomas also wears foot powder, which everyone should find weird. And it smells so wrong.

After Thomas went off to carry on practising his autograph, I did the same with Steve, who halfway through decided to headbutt me in the nose – a tactic which i’m not sure is allowed….

Between the two, I managed about 8 rounds, and it was good stuff and felt good…

Not a very productive day, although the training gained from all the sodding around with the camera made for a few good runs…. I also made a complete hash of my video which I blame on being headbutted in the nose.

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It’s been way too long since my last blog due to work, visitors, sickness and other bullshit excuses I could list here if I thought anyone would actually believe them. Anyway, i’ve been a little lapse, but back to normal from now!

Wednesday 10th was the training session where Alexis was unavailable due to his crook catching real job, so Andy ran the session. Andy told me to make sure I made my blog sound brilliant, but to be perfectly honest I don’t really remember much of it, except for the fact it was all bag and shadow work, and was really knackering, with piles of bodies everywhere at the end. I do remember it being a good session though Andy, so thanks mate, you’re brilliant.

Saturday was another early start, with training starting at Turf City at 8am. Given that I am still experimenting with my Saturday pre-workout nutrition, I decided to try the holistic approach, and dream of bacon, eggs, sausages, hash browns, beans and black pudding instead of actually having anything to eat. This experimental approach meant that I had an extra 15-30 minutes sleep and woke up full. Well, that was the theory anyway, I ended up dreaming of crashing a car or punching a dog or something non-appetizing, and woke up late having turned the stupid noisy alarm clock off.

I drove eight billion miles an hour, and just about made it on time…. The truth of the matter is that my ladies Hyundai Getz rarely tops 60 before starting to rattle, but if I could drive at eight billion miles an hour, it would be dead handy, as i’d get there in under a micro-second. The downside is that i’d probably feel sick, as the G-Force at that speed would explode my head, which wouldn’t be good.

Alexis sent us off for a short run while he woke up with his cappuccino and Danish, so we went for a loop of Turf City, which is about 2km. I had my shiny new trainers on – the ones with the fast twitch springy bits – and was like a speed machine. I ran so fast at one point, that I overtook my shadow. Here is a picture of them before the run. FYI, you can also see the 8 gallon capacity socks here and some damn finely toned pins.

The picture of them after the run got ruined by the flumes of smoke from the trail of fire I left in my path.

When we got back, we did some shadow boxing. Four rounds of two minutes, and I was like lightening! I was so fast, that I actually knocked my shadow wonky! These new trainers are like magic! They make me so fast, i’m actually considering handbag snatching as an alternative career.

After the lightening fast shadow boxing, Alexis split us into four groups. I was put into the special group, of just Michelle and I, called the “pathetic attempt of a man and Michelle” group. We took it in turns to try and box the head of each other while the other tried to block. Jab. Jab, cross. Jab, cross, duck, cross. I practiced my floating like a butterfly in between, but had the prowess of a bouncy hippo with a prosthetic leg (not that I am discriminating against hippos with prosthetics).

After this we spent some time trying to beat the shit out of the big heavy bags. Actually, they are stuffed with clothes, and every now and again nice clothes come out and I wear them home. Not only does this give one the incentive to punch harder, but the excitement of what prize might jump out keeps you going.

The final part of this particular circuit was pad work with the big fella himself. I think this is my favourite part, as it takes more skill that punching a clothes bag. The downside, however, is if you punch the pad wrong, because the fecking pain that goes up your arm is comparable to being struck by lightening on the finger. Not that I know what that is like, but being kicked right up the hole wasn’t a good comparison.

When we had finished these circuits, Alexis realised his watch was on upside down, and that we had time left. He ran off and smoked some pot and came back with a brand new exercise. He tied two lots of hand wraps together, and held them at shoulder height for us to duck under and punch to practise our footwork. We would step under it left, and cross with our right, and then step under it right and punch with our left. This exercise will be really useful if we ever get into a fight on a boat at sea, but I’m not really sure there’ll be much use for it on the fight night! As you can probably guess from my disdain, I was really, really shit at this. I think all the jeering at my two left feet didn’t help, plus the fact that Bruce said I looked like an orange on a toothpick (due to my oversized head and skinny frame). I wasn’t quite as crap as oversized Bruce, who given his lanky mass ended up bobbing like a chicken. Thomas was quite good at this exercise, but then he’s used to going down on things suspended between two men.

The quote of the week, which slightly misplaced here, came from Bruce to me when we were standing in line to make fools of ourselves. “3.5 times the circumference of your head is apparently the same as your height, so you should be 7 foot 5″. I do have a large head, I know….

We did circuits after this, which was 20 reps of pushup, squats, crunches and mountain climbers… no f*cking burpees!!!!! We did two sets of these.

The final exercise was the twirly plank – 2 sets of 10 twirlys. Normal plank position, then twist your arm into the air, so your body is perpendicular to the floor, and twist it around underneath your armpit on the floor. Yes, I have described it as ponsily as it is for good reason, as it’s like watching a bloody room full of ballerinas!

The good thing was that I did all of this on an empty stomach… I’m not sure what the nutritional nuts would say about that, but in previous weeks, i’ve been close to vomiting all over the place due to meal replacements or oatmeal! Maybe attempting to dream of food instead is a better plan? I do know one thing for sure, I emptied the bloody fridge when I got home, so what I lacked in vomit, I made up for in binge eating!

So, fight name… Long story, but during my last campaign for the October 2009 White Collar Boxing competition I chose “The Pikey”…. You’ll surely recall the pikey from Snatch.

Now, I know Brad does look scarily like me, and his body is nearly as finely tuned as mine, but that’s not the reason I’ve gone for “The Pikey”. I got called a pikey because I went on a caravan holiday to Spain once, and i’ve kind of been known as a pikey ever since in certain circles. Being of Irish descent, there are a few questionable family members on my mothers side, but I don’t think spending the week in a caravan in Costa Del Sol really counts, does it? Yes, I did urinate into a plastic pot that flushed blue just behind the headboard of the bed that used to be my sofa – What’s wrong with that?? And there’s nothing wrong with wearing your boxer shorts into a public shower to give them an old rinse after you’ve worn them for 4 days! The truth of it is that I don’t really know why I was ever called a pikey, but it has kind of stuck.

Anyway, fight name is The Pikey. Don’t, however, let the plot of that film confuse you. The Pikey might have gone down on Snatch, but this pikey has never gone down and intends to keep it that way.

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